silent SCREAMING

0 admonition(s) by yours truly maritesser around 8:59 AM

...The last week or so of January 2K8 was most certainly hectic and particularly draining. It was a week of joy and sadness...but all in all, a CELEBRATION OF LIFE.


Friday, January 25, uncle Edgar Villanueva passed away. Rest in peace uncle Edgar. To go to their house that night, to go to the wake Saturday, January 26...to see his grieving family. Argh...that stirred up fresh memories, although it wasn't bad...I just started to feel that feeling again...how to describe it...I guess its one of those things, you just have to be there or have gone through it and PS- please don't say you can imagine but can't fathom or can empathize when you don't understand. Not that I wish for anyone to experience the death of a loved one- but feeling...a mixture of lonliness, helplessness, fatigue, empitness, raw, cynical and some others.



Saturday, January 26...spent the whole day mentally prepararing for the wake...


Sunday, January 27...celebration of life as a baptized member of the Catholic family...Cookie is one of the ninongs to Kirsten Rose..she's absolutely adorable.


Monday, January 28...received a phone call from a friend who's father has been ill for more than a decade, suffering from cancer. He called to tell me that they decided to no longer continue the chemo...my heart sank with my friend. I cried with him sharing the sentiments of helplessness and wanting to be strong...trying hard not to be selfish or angry...but more of panicing at the thought that I may lose my father at any moment.

Tuesday night, January 29... gathered with brothers and sisters at our friend's house to pray for his gravely ill father. All day, memories of all the times we thought we'd lose my dad...the feelings all to clear and real...the sleepless night wondering and praying like you NEVER thought you could before. Thoughts of how much I miss my father...and prayers for those who just lost their father or may lose them at any time.

Wednesday, January 30...what a restless hectic day. My mind and heart...all over the place, diligently focusing on the Lord. Then I get a phone call at my desk...to let me know our friend's father, the very same one we gathered to pray for, passed away to rest in peace. The thoughts..the emotions that come with death that I've experienced...empathizing with our brother in Christ, his sister, his mother...all soooo much. It was like slow motion but going so fast. We gather that night to start the traditional 9 day Novena for the dead...I look at my friend and I see my brother in him...and I pray harder.

Thursday, January 31...spent the entire day asking the Lord to prepare me for the wake. The wake was the same venue that we were just at last Sat for Cook's uncle Edgar. Rest in peace father of our friend. I go to the wake with my brother...no Cookie, no Addison and Branden...no make up, hair not done just me. I know that I'm going to be a mess because I just felt it. I cried and turned out, I was alot better than I thougth. Just at the close of the prayer service, my ex-boyfriend from high school, one of the many instruments of my past the Lord used me to bring me to HIM walked into the wake. I have not seen him since 1998? something like that I don't even remember anymore. It was one of those akward moments- do I say hi? do I not say hi? Meanwhile my heart and mind was reliving my father's wake. I said screw it...I'm here for our friend and to pray for the repose of his father's soul. So I never said hi. The thing is- the hurtful, ugly memories that I prayed for to receive healing from, came to fruition. When I saw him, I wasn't mad or angry or indifferent, I was at peace and I even prayed that the Lord blesses him and his loved ones.

Friday, February 1...I go to work and stayed home. Couldn't do it. Couldn't go out. A heavensent angel come over.

Saturday, February 2. The mass and burial of our friend's father. It was surreal.

This entire week felt as if all I could do was cry and sceam...but NO ONE heard it. So many things have been put to death and celebrate a new form of life...but in an interesting way...it pierces your heart that you so much that you don't know what it sounds like. You know how it feels...you know what to do to let it out, BUT...can you hear me? I'm screaming. Can you hear that? I'm mourning. Do you recognize that? it's a cry for help.

 

as the bubble burst and I got splashed with a blessing!

3 admonition(s) by yours truly maritesser around 9:09 AM

Seriously...I'm like WOW Lord. Yesterday, I was going on my merry way...wasn't as cranky in the morning as I usually am...rolled with my routine...until I checked my email at 11 something. I see an email from someone we work with at the Archdiocese of Newark entitled "Good News!" ... opened the email to read:


Hi Tess! I wasn’t sure which e-mail is right for you, but wanted you to know that the Archbishop gave RV 3 tickets to raffle off to see the Pope on April 20th and I pulled out your name!! You have to tell me asap whether you want to accept the ticket because all names must be submitted to the Chancery by Thurs. I’m so excited for you! Call me!! Michelle


I was like ME? MOI LORD? OMGULAY, I totally can't scream at work! I looked at the date and was like, A SATURDAY? SWEEET!!! Lord, you are sooooo awesome!!! Trying to think of what I've won in the past via raffle...I won a ham, a tail gating set: 2 folding chairs, portable grill, small cooler (PS- I was 5 months pregnant with Branden LOL) and I don't think anything else...but IT'S OK...I get to attend mass with the Holy Father...the one human being who has THE ONLY hook up with the Lord. I've seen some men and said, "Wow, that's a holy man." But to see the Pope! I wonder if I'll fall slain LOL. My brother was like..."So will he be in his Popemobile?" My mom was totally pinay- "Can I go?" I feel like the hemorrhaging woman...all she wanted to do was touch Jesus cloak...all I want to do is see the Holy Father and claim healing as he says mass. Its OK if he looks like a teeny tiny action figure and if I sit in the last row of Yankee Stadium...


But yes...totally feeling HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY!!! I wish I can take someone with me...its all good =) I'll send pics fr my cell!!!


If its according to your will Lord...I ask, and wait on you to receive, seek YOU and I am constantly finding you is different capacities, knock- NOT BANG and the door will be opened...Thank you Lord for this joy. I feel so special. I feel so loved. I know out of all the people who could've been called, you picked me- not because I was any better than my brother or sister, but because it was according to your will. Thank you My Lord, My God.

 

my bubble...liberation is near

1 admonition(s) by yours truly maritesser around 9:41 AM

I must say, I'm so blessed. I'm so fortunate to have a loving husband who's as sweet as his nickname, 2 sons who are unique individuals that never cease to amaze me in their toddler years, my Papa, my intercessor in heaven now resting in peace, a compassionate, loving and generous hearted Mama, a witty younger brother who makes me laugh hysterically and roll my eyes from time to time. My immediate and extended family is robust with different values, character and morals- but bottom line, somehow someway, in particularly the extended famajam are a blessing.

With a great job, endearing friends and angels to saturate me with love and affirmation, a community of faith believers filled with members who give me reasons to get down on my knees, shut up and pray (*some more than others)...I've been in this "BUBBLE."

Last night, my bubble burst in such a way that was liberating. Listening to others during the women's group led me to to reason about wants and needs...tying it with happiness and expectations. I know what I want and where I want to be; as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend...but do I need to be just that? and if I am what I want to be...will I be happy?

That reminds me of who I was before my father passed and who I am today. From as early as I can remember until July 15, 2007...my thoughts and feelings somehow seemed to have a strong link to suffering. Its not that I complained alot, although I felt as if my family and I just seemed to suffer. Suffering within ourselves as a family unit, my parents as a married couple, with my infamous relatives...then my mid-20s to early 30s, Papa was diagnosed with his ailment, Addison and Branden diagnosed with their conditions, additional nonsense from relatives, community drama because of gossip, misunderstandings and lack of transparency. I knew that with suffering comes purification...and I obediently carried my crosses. In those tumultuous moments where my cross was just so unbearable, I vented...and eventually accepted it. I wasn't like, "Lord, I've done x, y and z..why me? why us? I gave up a, b and c to do your will. Why Lord? Why this now." It was more of "Lord, YOU fix this. YOU get us/me outta this. YOU let the truth set us/me free. YOU know my heart and mind. Really Lord? Really Lord! give me grace to get through this FAST. I'll feel the pinch and burn, but just get me through it. Lord, when am I going to be happy? When am I going to feel joy? What does it mean to feel joy?"

Surprise, surprise. With suffering comes purification and joy...where's the joy in suffering?- a popular question. All this time...I had this mantra, "Focus on the positive, and be proactive with the negative." All I focused on turning that suffering into joy or finding a SMIDGEN of joy there...I wanted to be happy. I was "OK," with everything...not ecstatic, delirious or elated. I just boring smoring "OK." I was happy for others, but not me. Gosh I've had high expectations. But with the natural succession of life-I'd get over it and be like well, "it IS what IT is." More like apathetic and indifferent.

All those feelings and thoughts that had to do with "my cup of suffering passing..."one of the toughest things yet I've had to endure- the loss of my father. All of a sudden- a change...its not suffering...its grieving the loss of happiness and joy in my Papa. I see now- how the Lord answered my prayers and enriched my view of my life AND who I am since then...

Am I happy? So I still suffer? Yes and yes. That suffering bubble...I'm glad it burst...it was as if I was liberated for an old mindset that was heavy and draining and just an ugly place to go to...He answered my prayer- He renewed my heart and mind soooo long ago. I wanted it to be more than that, I wanted it super sized with all the bells and whistles...what I needed was to receive His grace and let Him do what He needs to and that brings joy, that brings happiness.

A part of me is disappointed in me I had this epiphany after Papa's death...but a bigger part of me is happy that it happened the way it did. My relationship with my Papa now is far greater than what it was when he was alive. Don't get me wrong, oh how it stings that I miss him so...however, my Papa is in my heart and with the Lord. When I commune with Father God, I know I'm bonding with my Pops too.

So...I'm free. I'm no longer afraid to say, "I'm not OK." or "I need help." or "I can't do that or I'm not strong enough." To be able to say those things and more- that brings me the happiness...and now, I drink from the cup of joy and trying to remind myself not to hoard it LOL.

Oh yea...its not that I don't care, well maybe yea...I don't care...something superficial that's kept me happy that I'm not afraid to admit...those blessings of people that Lord sends to me that either at one point we were close or we prayed and worked together, but now they feel as if they can act as if they don't know me...DELETED from my cell phone and buddy list..and I gotta tell you- THAT'S LIBERATING. And I will say this too...if you stare at me dead in the eye and HAVE TO THINK whether or not to say hello one day and the next time in a drunken stooper on on Holy Ground at an BLD event act like you care, miss me and what to have dinner- save us both either say nothing at all or just smirk, wave and leave. BELIEVE- I'm TOTALLY OK with that...not only am I "not OK," but I'm OK without the inconsistency in our connection....because ya know what...I'M SO DONE. Last thing I want is for someone to suffer on the account of moi.

I'm sooooo not who I was. I used to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side to...but I'm not who I was.

 

look deeper...

1 admonition(s) by yours truly maritesser around 2:28 PM

Funny...it only took me about 6 years to start blogging or posting pics online. I'm fortunate enough that I was able to join Friendster/Myspace when I did...somewhere in between, I learned to text and instant message...I became more like my mom sooner than I figured. When I was 8/9 I thought my mom was behind the times when she couldn't record shows with the VCR...talk about reaping and sowing and becoming a judgment...

So over a week ago, someone I've ministered began this email correspondence with me...(*note: email gets taken out of context, lack of tone). In a nutshell, misinterpretation and misunderstanding came out of it. Ended up talking on the phone later that evening...the conversation starts out nicely then BAM. Layers and layers of stuff came out. Since I have ministered and prayed with her on several occasions, I have bird's eye view of who she is and what she's been through. I adore her to pieces, but don't necessarily have the closest relationship with her. Praise be to God, I was able to just listen. I do believe if it were otherwise and I didn't know her the way I've been blessed to, it would've been a blood bath over the phone. At the same time, since my father's passing...really? really. I have no energy for alot of things. I'm this kinda of funk/mentality...yea, so you gained 5 pounds. SO WHAT, you can lose it. I won't see my father. I won't ever hear his voice or smell his cologne...

What stuck out in my mind is a statement she made that was loud and clear,"...so I'm not as close to you as you are with some of your other lambs..." Automatically, I was like, what's that supposed to mean? Each time I reach out to her...I get a nice confident, "I'm OK." As convincing as it sounds...I believed her. So...praise be to the Lord...I let her tell me off listening intently, gently praying. As I stood what I believed in...honesty I was able to tell her how I felt...I tried on various occasions to reach out and got the infamous "I'm OK.." as a natural response. As I prayed and listened...I was prompted to ask...is there something else you'd like to say? I feel like your not done. Turns out...underneath her tone, frustration, interesting choice of words, it went back to her. I was the catalyst to what really was cooking inside of her. Praise be to God, she was able to verbalize what the Lord wanted her to. I asked for forgiveness for not reaching out MORE than she had expected amongst other things. Funny who God uses certain people for recognition of things and epiphanies.

That conversation, that particular instance made me think about my relationships, expectations I have, what people expect of me and do they look beyond what I dish out. I can honestly say that I pray for each female that the Lord has blessed me with to minister to/shepherd/counsel. I like to think that I do treat those the same way...all these ladies are different...soooo different from one another, so different from me. Some of them I know why the Lord blessed me with them, while with others, I still have yet to find out why and in either situations, I'm OK with not knowing...but my question is, HOW important is that? I'm good enough with the Lord brought us together the way He planned. Some of those ladies, I talk to frequently...while others...when I do talk to them...I'm like, 'Hey! What's up! Tell me what new!' and I get "Hiiii!!!! I'm good. Nothing much." PERIOD. awkward moment of silence...I really never thought I'd have something in common with EVERYONE.
I don't always hear the Lord, see Him, feel Him or know exactly what His plan is or His reasons. God bless those who can decipher Him in all their sense and figure out why people are sent in and out of their lives. I guess I just find more value in things other than why we are together...I'm more about the 'Thank you Lord that we are together." Even more so now that my father is passed...I just see so many things, in particularly with my faith, so differently.
People know perceive me as strong, honest and a bunch of other things, both positive and negative. I don't think some of those very same people know me anymore...I'm not the same 'Tess.' A big part of me died Sun, July 15, 2007. I'm still working on putting the pieces back together. My husband even admitted at our last reunion in his sharing that he didn't even think to check on how I was, in particularly during the holiday season. But Oh how the Lord is faithful and answers prayers. It was big of my husband to share what he did and to admit what he did and I'm proud of him for doing that =)
I'm happy that I can sincerely say I'm NOT OK...because you know what? This Maritess, of 2K8, is NOT OK...but its fine, because I am blessed.
I look forward to the up-coming LSS. I pray for whoever the Lord chooses to minister to Cookie and I. I pray that the Lord makes a way for Cooks and I to be with our ME class. I pray for all the things the Lord has planned for us, in particularly me serving the Rachel's Vineyard weekend this coming March. I look forward to this season of Lent.
"I used to be to mad at you...a little on the hurt side to. I'm not who I was."

 

Guardian Angels...

1 admonition(s) by yours truly maritesser around 6:22 PM

So I'm reading this book on Loving God. Was on the chapter on Guardian Angels the other day. So, I 'googled' it and found mine...

St. Sealtiel continually stands before God, with incenser in hand in unceasing adoration of the Most Holy Trinity. As the Archangel of contemplation and worship, his angelic purity transforms the love and worship which we mortals give to God. We need St. Sealtiel's powerful intercession before God's throne to overcome the evils of hedonism in our day. May the evils of drug addition, sex exploitation and abortion become things of discredited past. May endless hymns of praise rise from all peoples as they chant in union with the Heavenly Choirs of Angels, in perpetual thanksgiving for God's bountiful blessings. He is known to be the angel who stopped Abraham from killing his son Isaac as a sacrifice. (Gen. 22:12)

Reflections
1) Do I take time to pray and reflect during some moments of the day? Uhm, more now...hoping its not just a New Year's thing.
2) Do I praise and thank God for every blessing in my life? Ahh, I try to with every beat of my heart.
3) Do I pray with filial trust and confidence in God? I like to think I do...but with my structures and SO much more- highly doubt I do in the capacity that I should or exhibit.
4) Do I make my life prayer of praise and thanksgiving? I try to start with Thanksgiving and end with High Praise.

Novena to the Archangels
O Pure and Holy Archangel St. Sealtiel, you bow before the Almighty Lord offering angelic salutations of praise and thanksgiving. Guide us in our prayer. Like you, we would like to unceasingly pray and worship God the right way. May our lives be like incense pleasing to God. While awaiting for the inevitable time of separation from this material world, may we praise the Holy Trinity in the spirit of true love and humility throughout the days of our life in eternity. Obtain for us these favors _________ and present to God the Father all these petitions through Jesus Christ our Lord together with the Holy Spirit forever and ever. Amen.

I've been blessed with different angels. Family, friends, enemies, ministering angels, arch angels...guardian angels. Never really looked into the significance of having one. To be assigned one who to me- what a blessing. A guardian angel assigned to protect me in this spiritual battle...that very same angel who sees me...can see the face of God at the very same time.

I feel blessed. I feel hooked up with things from the Lord well beyond my means. I receive them ALL with love... but wow Lord. Your love for us just brings me to my knees...you send your Only Son...you send Your Word...you send Your Holy Spirit...so much AND a guardian angel.

My guardian angel are you in disguise? Did I push you away that I lost you only to find you again? Blessings are often in disguise. Praise God I lost what I found because inevitably, i found it...more reasons to keep growing in faith.


 

labels:

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)