I must say, I'm so blessed. I'm so fortunate to have a loving husband who's as sweet as his nickname, 2 sons who are unique individuals that never cease to amaze me in their toddler years, my Papa, my intercessor in heaven now resting in peace, a compassionate, loving and generous hearted Mama, a witty younger brother who makes me laugh hysterically and roll my eyes from time to time. My immediate and extended family is robust with different values, character and morals- but bottom line, somehow someway, in particularly the extended famajam are a blessing.
With a great job, endearing friends and angels to saturate me with love and affirmation, a community of faith believers filled with members who give me reasons to get down on my knees, shut up and pray (*some more than others)...I've been in this "BUBBLE."
Last night, my bubble burst in such a way that was liberating. Listening to others during the women's group led me to to reason about wants and needs...tying it with happiness and expectations. I know what I want and where I want to be; as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend...but do I need to be just that? and if I am what I want to be...will I be happy?
That reminds me of who I was before my father passed and who I am today. From as early as I can remember until July 15, 2007...my thoughts and feelings somehow seemed to have a strong link to suffering. Its not that I complained alot, although I felt as if my family and I just seemed to suffer. Suffering within ourselves as a family unit, my parents as a married couple, with my infamous relatives...then my mid-20s to early 30s, Papa was diagnosed with his ailment, Addison and Branden diagnosed with their conditions, additional nonsense from relatives, community drama because of gossip, misunderstandings and lack of transparency. I knew that with suffering comes purification...and I obediently carried my crosses. In those tumultuous moments where my cross was just so unbearable, I vented...and eventually accepted it. I wasn't like, "Lord, I've done x, y and z..why me? why us? I gave up a, b and c to do your will. Why Lord? Why this now." It was more of "Lord, YOU fix this. YOU get us/me outta this. YOU let the truth set us/me free. YOU know my heart and mind. Really Lord? Really Lord! give me grace to get through this FAST. I'll feel the pinch and burn, but just get me through it. Lord, when am I going to be happy? When am I going to feel joy? What does it mean to feel joy?"
Surprise, surprise. With suffering comes purification and joy...where's the joy in suffering?- a popular question. All this time...I had this mantra, "Focus on the positive, and be proactive with the negative." All I focused on turning that suffering into joy or finding a SMIDGEN of joy there...I wanted to be happy. I was "OK," with everything...not ecstatic, delirious or elated. I just boring smoring "OK." I was happy for others, but not me. Gosh I've had high expectations. But with the natural succession of life-I'd get over it and be like well, "it IS what IT is." More like apathetic and indifferent.
All those feelings and thoughts that had to do with "my cup of suffering passing..."one of the toughest things yet I've had to endure- the loss of my father. All of a sudden- a change...its not suffering...its grieving the loss of happiness and joy in my Papa. I see now- how the Lord answered my prayers and enriched my view of my life AND who I am since then...
Am I happy? So I still suffer? Yes and yes. That suffering bubble...I'm glad it burst...it was as if I was liberated for an old mindset that was heavy and draining and just an ugly place to go to...He answered my prayer- He renewed my heart and mind soooo long ago. I wanted it to be more than that, I wanted it super sized with all the bells and whistles...what I needed was to receive His grace and let Him do what He needs to and that brings joy, that brings happiness.
A part of me is disappointed in me I had this epiphany after Papa's death...but a bigger part of me is happy that it happened the way it did. My relationship with my Papa now is far greater than what it was when he was alive. Don't get me wrong, oh how it stings that I miss him so...however, my Papa is in my heart and with the Lord. When I commune with Father God, I know I'm bonding with my Pops too.
So...I'm free. I'm no longer afraid to say, "I'm not OK." or "I need help." or "I can't do that or I'm not strong enough." To be able to say those things and more- that brings me the happiness...and now, I drink from the cup of joy and trying to remind myself not to hoard it LOL.
Oh yea...its not that I don't care, well maybe yea...I don't care...something superficial that's kept me happy that I'm not afraid to admit...those blessings of people that Lord sends to me that either at one point we were close or we prayed and worked together, but now they feel as if they can act as if they don't know me...DELETED from my cell phone and buddy list..and I gotta tell you- THAT'S LIBERATING. And I will say this too...if you stare at me dead in the eye and HAVE TO THINK whether or not to say hello one day and the next time in a drunken stooper on on Holy Ground at an BLD event act like you care, miss me and what to have dinner- save us both either say nothing at all or just smirk, wave and leave. BELIEVE- I'm TOTALLY OK with that...not only am I "not OK," but I'm OK without the inconsistency in our connection....because ya know what...I'M SO DONE. Last thing I want is for someone to suffer on the account of moi.
I'm sooooo not who I was. I used to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side to...but I'm not who I was.
1 Comment:
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- ostacy said...
January 25, 2008 at 11:24 AMyou are my constant inspiration! i can't help but think that if there was a rumble, i'd have the BEST people to fight along side me! i'm not promoting violence, i'm just sayin, if the head tapping gonna start and big hoop earrings are comin off, girl, i'm glad you're on my side! how i love u so!
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