Funny...it only took me about 6 years to start blogging or posting pics online. I'm fortunate enough that I was able to join Friendster/Myspace when I did...somewhere in between, I learned to text and instant message...I became more like my mom sooner than I figured. When I was 8/9 I thought my mom was behind the times when she couldn't record shows with the VCR...talk about reaping and sowing and becoming a judgment...
So over a week ago, someone I've ministered began this email correspondence with me...(*note: email gets taken out of context, lack of tone). In a nutshell, misinterpretation and misunderstanding came out of it. Ended up talking on the phone later that evening...the conversation starts out nicely then BAM. Layers and layers of stuff came out. Since I have ministered and prayed with her on several occasions, I have bird's eye view of who she is and what she's been through. I adore her to pieces, but don't necessarily have the closest relationship with her. Praise be to God, I was able to just listen. I do believe if it were otherwise and I didn't know her the way I've been blessed to, it would've been a blood bath over the phone. At the same time, since my father's passing...really? really. I have no energy for alot of things. I'm this kinda of funk/mentality...yea, so you gained 5 pounds. SO WHAT, you can lose it. I won't see my father. I won't ever hear his voice or smell his cologne...
What stuck out in my mind is a statement she made that was loud and clear,"...so I'm not as close to you as you are with some of your other lambs..." Automatically, I was like, what's that supposed to mean? Each time I reach out to her...I get a nice confident, "I'm OK." As convincing as it sounds...I believed her. So...praise be to the Lord...I let her tell me off listening intently, gently praying. As I stood what I believed in...honesty I was able to tell her how I felt...I tried on various occasions to reach out and got the infamous "I'm OK.." as a natural response. As I prayed and listened...I was prompted to ask...is there something else you'd like to say? I feel like your not done. Turns out...underneath her tone, frustration, interesting choice of words, it went back to her. I was the catalyst to what really was cooking inside of her. Praise be to God, she was able to verbalize what the Lord wanted her to. I asked for forgiveness for not reaching out MORE than she had expected amongst other things. Funny who God uses certain people for recognition of things and epiphanies.
That conversation, that particular instance made me think about my relationships, expectations I have, what people expect of me and do they look beyond what I dish out. I can honestly say that I pray for each female that the Lord has blessed me with to minister to/shepherd/counsel. I like to think that I do treat those the same way...all these ladies are different...soooo different from one another, so different from me. Some of them I know why the Lord blessed me with them, while with others, I still have yet to find out why and in either situations, I'm OK with not knowing...but my question is, HOW important is that? I'm good enough with the Lord brought us together the way He planned. Some of those ladies, I talk to frequently...while others...when I do talk to them...I'm like, 'Hey! What's up! Tell me what new!' and I get "Hiiii!!!! I'm good. Nothing much." PERIOD. awkward moment of silence...I really never thought I'd have something in common with EVERYONE.
I don't always hear the Lord, see Him, feel Him or know exactly what His plan is or His reasons. God bless those who can decipher Him in all their sense and figure out why people are sent in and out of their lives. I guess I just find more value in things other than why we are together...I'm more about the 'Thank you Lord that we are together." Even more so now that my father is passed...I just see so many things, in particularly with my faith, so differently.
People know perceive me as strong, honest and a bunch of other things, both positive and negative. I don't think some of those very same people know me anymore...I'm not the same 'Tess.' A big part of me died Sun, July 15, 2007. I'm still working on putting the pieces back together. My husband even admitted at our last reunion in his sharing that he didn't even think to check on how I was, in particularly during the holiday season. But Oh how the Lord is faithful and answers prayers. It was big of my husband to share what he did and to admit what he did and I'm proud of him for doing that =)
I'm happy that I can sincerely say I'm NOT OK...because you know what? This Maritess, of 2K8, is NOT OK...but its fine, because I am blessed.
I look forward to the up-coming LSS. I pray for whoever the Lord chooses to minister to Cookie and I. I pray that the Lord makes a way for Cooks and I to be with our ME class. I pray for all the things the Lord has planned for us, in particularly me serving the Rachel's Vineyard weekend this coming March. I look forward to this season of Lent.
"I used to be to mad at you...a little on the hurt side to. I'm not who I was."
