What a Monday...
I had an appointment today with upper management at 9:15 AM regarding the status of my position within the company. So many thoughts running through my mind. I've "grown up" with this company...been there since I was 20. God is good, my position was saved. On the one hand, I praise the Lord for a a job. Today's market in just about everything is so volatile. On the other hand, can't help but continue to fantasize what it would've been like to get my severance package, collect unemployment and be home more for my family. Gosh I've changed...I never thought I would yearn to be a stay home mom =) Either way, I'm trying to focus on what He has in store. Although its going to get tougher at work, I'm sure He will sustain me the either way...He always has.
To close the evening, went to a wake for a 36 day old baby. Baby Sarah Ilagan. May the Lord's perpetual light shine on her and may she rest in peace. She was stunning. Absolutely precious. On the one hand, it hurt to see her parents and siblings and see her in her white gown in her tiny white coffin. On the other hand, she passed on Friday, August 15, the feast of the Assumption. She joined out Heavenly Father in the arms of Mama Mary. What a way to go.
Regardless...half full, half empty...blessings all around. Its what we make of it. Its how we try to see light in the darkness. Sometimes its easier...sometimes its harder. With faith, we find solace in accepting and understanding His perfect plan. Patience. Its in His time...all will unfold, a little at a time...much like a rosebud. Its more about taking in the fragrance of its sweet scent rather that in blooming fast.
What a day.
labels: randomness
when the mind can't handle it, the body will...
0 admonition(s) by yours truly maritesser around 12:33 PMUGH...I came back to work today after being off yesterday... and all that things so far since the beginning of the month...I'm cold, my throat hurts, my back feels every chill.
I no wanna be sick! I have Sesame Place tomorrow with Cooks and my boys!
Its been some time that I've smiled like I have lately...God is GOOD. He heard my cry, He knew how heavy my heart was and blessed me with overwhelming LOVE!!!
- FINALLY had Papa's 1 year death anniversary celebration on his birthday. It was weird...it was like reliving the day we buried him, but not as heavy. It was overwhelming all over again to see the support of family and friends, but it was great. HARD, but lighter...ahhh!
- Attended Maia's Bridal Shower =) what a BEAUTIFUL shower. I think I've attended my fair share of bridal showers and this one totally stood out. The love of the Moms and the bridal party, the excitement bouncing off the walls, the beautiful smiles of the bride and groom...giggle!
- Monday, August 18, 2008 is THE DAY when we find out at work whether we stay or go...phew!
- Attended my first "Tea Party" with a few fabulous women celebrating Anne's last few weeks pregnant before baby girl #2 arrives. To be around other women married or married with children...ahhh!
- Finally! Had our surprise despedida for Miss Stacy Got It Goin Ong! No more lies, stuttering or random responses! To see Stacy's facial expressions..THAT was a myriad of emos =)...hehee!
- I went to the WENDY WILLIAMS SHOW today as their guests were REV RUN and his wife Justine. Went with 3 stupendous filipinas representing Asians (Stacy, Leah Pagala and MLE who told work she was sick and the meds they prescribed made her feel acky so she didn't come in after her dr's appt). Wendy was fabulous! Had a yummy lunch and DELICIOUS cupcakes, my fav was the carrot one ;P AND we got free hair spray, conditioner and LACE THONGS size M...OH! HOW U DOIN!!!
And I have Sesame Place to look forward to with all 3 of my boys and their day care on Thursday and Meldiva's shower Sunday.
Its been some time that I've felt this great! The laughs, the smiles...even some tears in between, all fabulous.
Thank you to everyone for listening to me...bearing with me...praying for me! I'm so grateful for who I have in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way =) I'm not just smiling on my face, I'm smiling in my heart!labels: life, on the lighter side
Interesting the last line in my last entry was:
"Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."
It is one year today that my Pop went onto his new life, eternal rest with the Lord...My Pop's earthly life ended at 3:03 AM, Sunday, July 15, 2007. Although my dad was sick for some time and his health was up and down...I didn't fear him dying, (there were so many times where we thought we'd lose him), I accepted that it was the Lord's will for everyone...but I never thought what I'd be like, who I'd be, how I'd live life without either my mom or dad...
Growing up, I thought about how sad it would be to lose either of my parents and it ended there. Who wants to think about that stuff?...but a year has passed. Its as if sooooooo much has happened while at the same time, so much is the same but different? Ugh...its so hard to explain. I know and believe that since my Pop's passing, we all died.
How has life begun for me since his passing?
The last few weeks have been so hard...it started when I was reminded of an email I read just before my dad passed. It was filled with curses, judgements, fallacies and such, but what stood out most in my mind was one particular line: "Your family will never experience love the way my family does." Unbeknownst to the writer, those were strong fighting words, utterances of a curse. How does a person say such things, especially when what stirred the pot were warped lies and he said she said jargon. I forgot about that email, but when reminded of it, feelings, thoughts and emotions started to overwhelm me. It was like reading a screenplay to one of those fobbed out pinoy intrigue save the drama fo' yo mama deals. I actually felt compassion for the writer because it was so infantile and foolish to have perpetuated to what it did. So yea, your feelings are neither write nor wrong, but dang, that was a crazy thing to lay your eyes on. What can I say...a FOB did write it. Oh Lord Jesus, please bless who wrote that email. I pray that you overwhelm the writer and their loved ones with all that is only of you and to rebuke the curses written in that email in the powerful name of Jesus. Replace the curses with your healing and blessings.
My mom left for vacation. I didn't quite understand why I was upset that she had to travel alone. I wasn't mad at God; if anything I felt bad that she had to fly alone...if anything, she always had my dad with her. Then the next day was my grandmother's birthday. Most of my dad's siblings were around for it, first cousins and old family friends. I was soooo annoyed while I was at my aunt's house. I couldn't understand why I was so frustrated. Everyone meant well, but I was just annoyed. My younger cousins didn't understand that my boys are 3 and 4 years old are not "A" typical boys, especially Addison. My uncle kept telling me how everyone was talking about my dad and how they couldn't believe it was already a year since he passed...we left. When I got home, I reached out to a couple girlfriends to talk out my feelings and my one girlfriend said to me, "You're mad that your dad left you. Its ok to feel that way, you are mourning." I cried and felt affirmed and reassured. God Bless you Kat!
Work ugh..its usually not that bad...but with my disposition, it was sooooooo hard to be there. I tried to psych myself up in prayer, listen to my favorite old school jams, make a joke outta everything that would potentially set me off. I counted the days til our vacation....and finally we went away. I thought being away, being out of our element would help me feel better. That was so hard. My mind was going a millions miles a minute; but the thing was, it was about NOTHING. As much as I wanted Addy and Den to enjoy our time away, I just wanted to be home. I wanted to crawl into my bed and hide...I haven't had anxiety like that in a LONG time. I was restless, couldn't sleep...
There have been so many blessings and wonderful things since my dad passed...and that's what hurts...that's what's so challenging...he isn't physically here. It still hurts that he wasn't physically here for our birthdays, holidays, Addison talking, Branden dancing, Ana singing, our ME, our LSS...all those things that he has been supportive of and around to experience with us in the past...he's with the Lord. Yes, he lives in our hearts, he will forever be a part of us wherever we go, whatever we do, say or feel.
So many new beginnings, without him. How do you even begin putting the pieces of a shattered heart together? How does life begin; especially when it just happens? The sun rises in the morning, its sets in the evening and you have the moon. You still have to wake up, work, eat, shower, sleep. A life without my Pop. It hurts. It stings. Prayer and time will heal it, and that's fine...but ugh...my heart is so sad. Talk about a void...talk about feeling numb. Raw and lonely.
How I miss you so Pa. How I so miss you. To see your face, to hear you call my name. To hear you laugh. To watch your grandchildren do things to bring a smile to your face. To see you sit in your favorite chair. I know that you are in a better place...sometimes I find myself jealous! My heart aches because I miss you so much and there is not much I can do about it. Life continues, some days are better than others...but a day doesn't pass when I don't think about you...when I don't picture your face. One of my favorite memories of you was on my wedding when you looked me in eye...so endearingly. I saw your soul and all the love you have for us. We didn't have a perfect life and by all means, I thank the Lord for that. I wouldn't have it any other way. If I could change one thing...it would be to hug you, kiss you, tell you how much I love and appreciate you as my father and the wonderful blessing you are. Thank you for everything. I love you Pa. Rest in peace and may the Lord's perpetual light shine upon you. Please pray for all of us. Until we see each other again.
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