Interesting the last line in my last entry was:
"Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."
It is one year today that my Pop went onto his new life, eternal rest with the Lord...My Pop's earthly life ended at 3:03 AM, Sunday, July 15, 2007. Although my dad was sick for some time and his health was up and down...I didn't fear him dying, (there were so many times where we thought we'd lose him), I accepted that it was the Lord's will for everyone...but I never thought what I'd be like, who I'd be, how I'd live life without either my mom or dad...
Growing up, I thought about how sad it would be to lose either of my parents and it ended there. Who wants to think about that stuff?...but a year has passed. Its as if sooooooo much has happened while at the same time, so much is the same but different? Ugh...its so hard to explain. I know and believe that since my Pop's passing, we all died.
How has life begun for me since his passing?
The last few weeks have been so hard...it started when I was reminded of an email I read just before my dad passed. It was filled with curses, judgements, fallacies and such, but what stood out most in my mind was one particular line: "Your family will never experience love the way my family does." Unbeknownst to the writer, those were strong fighting words, utterances of a curse. How does a person say such things, especially when what stirred the pot were warped lies and he said she said jargon. I forgot about that email, but when reminded of it, feelings, thoughts and emotions started to overwhelm me. It was like reading a screenplay to one of those fobbed out pinoy intrigue save the drama fo' yo mama deals. I actually felt compassion for the writer because it was so infantile and foolish to have perpetuated to what it did. So yea, your feelings are neither write nor wrong, but dang, that was a crazy thing to lay your eyes on. What can I say...a FOB did write it. Oh Lord Jesus, please bless who wrote that email. I pray that you overwhelm the writer and their loved ones with all that is only of you and to rebuke the curses written in that email in the powerful name of Jesus. Replace the curses with your healing and blessings.
My mom left for vacation. I didn't quite understand why I was upset that she had to travel alone. I wasn't mad at God; if anything I felt bad that she had to fly alone...if anything, she always had my dad with her. Then the next day was my grandmother's birthday. Most of my dad's siblings were around for it, first cousins and old family friends. I was soooo annoyed while I was at my aunt's house. I couldn't understand why I was so frustrated. Everyone meant well, but I was just annoyed. My younger cousins didn't understand that my boys are 3 and 4 years old are not "A" typical boys, especially Addison. My uncle kept telling me how everyone was talking about my dad and how they couldn't believe it was already a year since he passed...we left. When I got home, I reached out to a couple girlfriends to talk out my feelings and my one girlfriend said to me, "You're mad that your dad left you. Its ok to feel that way, you are mourning." I cried and felt affirmed and reassured. God Bless you Kat!
Work ugh..its usually not that bad...but with my disposition, it was sooooooo hard to be there. I tried to psych myself up in prayer, listen to my favorite old school jams, make a joke outta everything that would potentially set me off. I counted the days til our vacation....and finally we went away. I thought being away, being out of our element would help me feel better. That was so hard. My mind was going a millions miles a minute; but the thing was, it was about NOTHING. As much as I wanted Addy and Den to enjoy our time away, I just wanted to be home. I wanted to crawl into my bed and hide...I haven't had anxiety like that in a LONG time. I was restless, couldn't sleep...
There have been so many blessings and wonderful things since my dad passed...and that's what hurts...that's what's so challenging...he isn't physically here. It still hurts that he wasn't physically here for our birthdays, holidays, Addison talking, Branden dancing, Ana singing, our ME, our LSS...all those things that he has been supportive of and around to experience with us in the past...he's with the Lord. Yes, he lives in our hearts, he will forever be a part of us wherever we go, whatever we do, say or feel.
So many new beginnings, without him. How do you even begin putting the pieces of a shattered heart together? How does life begin; especially when it just happens? The sun rises in the morning, its sets in the evening and you have the moon. You still have to wake up, work, eat, shower, sleep. A life without my Pop. It hurts. It stings. Prayer and time will heal it, and that's fine...but ugh...my heart is so sad. Talk about a void...talk about feeling numb. Raw and lonely.
How I miss you so Pa. How I so miss you. To see your face, to hear you call my name. To hear you laugh. To watch your grandchildren do things to bring a smile to your face. To see you sit in your favorite chair. I know that you are in a better place...sometimes I find myself jealous! My heart aches because I miss you so much and there is not much I can do about it. Life continues, some days are better than others...but a day doesn't pass when I don't think about you...when I don't picture your face. One of my favorite memories of you was on my wedding when you looked me in eye...so endearingly. I saw your soul and all the love you have for us. We didn't have a perfect life and by all means, I thank the Lord for that. I wouldn't have it any other way. If I could change one thing...it would be to hug you, kiss you, tell you how much I love and appreciate you as my father and the wonderful blessing you are. Thank you for everything. I love you Pa. Rest in peace and may the Lord's perpetual light shine upon you. Please pray for all of us. Until we see each other again.
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