How tender are you when you realize something about yourself that you've known for so long, however come to the realization that its BIGGER than what you thought it was?
It is amazing how our Lord reveals things to us in the way He does when He does.
I knew I'd use this Lenten season to recover and all those other "r" things...but wow. Its funny...the things we say over and over, like ONLY ME or WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED, especially those things out of sarcasm and cynicism in fact are fruits of deep seeded wounds that we may think we are so over...when in fact we are not.
I must say our Lord really is using this time to help me see myself under a microscope. PS...I noticed this one LONG wrinkle and some little ones around it on my forehead that is becoming prominent...much like some the things He's revealed to me! I need to find the energy to accept it and take me as I am! But I'm so tender and sore and hurt...because it IS a deep hurt. I want to do want I need to do to help the healing move along...
I'm anxious for my new life and to move forward from it. That's the only way I want to move...forward and only tender for HIM.
Long time no write...interesting, last entry was about not being sure about work...that's still the same. NO CLUE however since the last post, they kept me, let go of my boss and a few key people that apparently were "not performing" as the company expected...I've busting my a$$ the last few months to keep my job! I have no idea what work will be like. All I know is they are striving for excellence, no room for error. Makes me wonder why am I there. The latter part of 2009, my daily prayer simply was, YOUR will Lord, not mine for every aspect of my life.
Personal life in 2009 to say the least, my DH and I have grown and then some. My children, amazing. Pure entertainment! They get me through it all...my instruments of love from the Lord.
What I've learned in 2009:
- I'm not Tess " Jesus Christ" <insert last name here>
- I've begun establishing boundaries
- I've learned to say NO and fight the guilt that's associate with saying "No I can't."
- I've begun to say out loud, I can't do it, can you do it
- Shutting down is healthy
2o09...never a dull moment. Seems to be it's spilling over into 2010. We shall see...
In 2010:
- Only RSVP for 1 event on the weekends, either Saturday or Sunday, not both
- Make a list of things to do as a family
- Talk less, listen more
- Pray and Fast weekly
- Read more
Incorporating these things into my life will help me learn more =) I just want to get better...not be the best, but improve.
So I told a white lie. I said that I wasn't worried about the present situation at my job. GUESS WHAT. I am now...
We got an email indicating my group will receive the time on Friday via email on what time our appointment is on Monday, 05/18/09 on the status of where I am within the organization. Don't know how to take it. Not sure if I'll be OK or not...
My boss' boss pulled us into her office today. She started to get emotional and expressed how happy she was to work with us, to be a part of our group. She affirmed our talents and what we were capable of as a group and as individuals. I had mixed emotions. Initially, it was as if she was in a round about way telling us she was no longer leading us, but then again, she really has no idea.
Its tough times nowadays. TOUGH. It stunk to have a "pseudo" goodbye...but really it's SO in HIS hands. There is no control over the situation.
After going through this process on numerous occasions, I thought I was numb and indifferent to it all. But wow. It hit me and it hit me HARD.
But what can I do other than let it out and pray. I know He has had something written in the heavens for ever so long. As human as I am, I still struggle with trusting and knowing the future full of hope in store for my family and I.
It would shatter me to pieces if I were no longer have to work at GSK. I grew up here...LIKE LITERALLY. Been here since I was 20. WOW...
I'm bracing myself Lord...clinging to YOU and holding fast to your promises.
REMAIN IN ME...I'm trying Lord! Hook it up Holy Spirit =)
I had no idea what our marriage would be like 6.5 years and 2 boys later. Looking back, my junior and senior prom experiences were cool. I'm just extremely grateful for being past those days of insecurity and questioning and wondering if he "loves" me and if she's "my friend."I have to admit...there are many a times that its tough. It's so easy to focus on the tough things. But wow...in the last month's activities...its been nothing but one enlightening moment after another. Never would I fathom who I am today, how I am today and who is in my life today..and I wouldn't want it any other way.
My life is like wine...it's definitely gotten better over time. What a blessing =) I can't wait to see what it's like in another 6.5 years =)
Alex Meraz, will be playing the role of Paul in the upcoming movie New Moon, of the . All this time I was sooo TEAM EDWARD...now I know why Bella was confused!!!
*SIGH* the workouts lol...I BUST MY BOOTY working out in a boot camp and get some cardio in 1-2 times a week...not to mention the errands in between and chores that are supposed to help burn calories and raise my heart rate...I feel like I look the same as I did in Jan.
*Super Sigh* We've incorporated healthy whole grains into our diet and increased of servings of fruits and veggies and how can I forget- supplements lol as a result, here are my conclusions:
1. Rice is not supposed to be crunchy. I'm totally feeling the brown rice, but it has to be Korean brown rice and add a lil more water to make it mushier.
2. I'm getting used to taking 7 smelly horse pills in the morning. Yes, all supplements lol.
3. I'm adjusting to OATS being on my toast and totally missing my chewy plain bagel with veggie cream cheese...HOORAY for wheat BLAHgles.
4. We've had something green that was steamed, boiled, blanched or lightly sauteed with garlic and EVOO with all our home cooked meals since Feb 14.
5. I need to invest in Beano. Flatulence is not very becoming, in fact its depressing. Sign of aging. Sheish. I'm ONLY 34.
To think...I started 2009 with an open mind. The funny thing is that I didn't even make a new years resolution this year. I was like OK LORD...and now...my life changed and my perceptions of things changed all the more. So I ask the question again...does it ever just calm down?
Its that time...as paul geoffrey calls is BLAHggin time =)
So like usual, a ton of things have taken place...my oldest son turned 5 and started kindergarten and my 2nd son is eager to start school as he is convinced daycare is NOT school. In the same breathe, that same week of wonderful event, my grandma Maria Farinas passed away at the robust age of 92. She is now chillin with my grandpa (after being apart for 30 years) and my Papa and2 dear blessings of friends are pursuing their dreams...
Talk about a weird week. It was tough to see grandma one last time and to bury her, but comforting have all my aunts, uncles, cousins and family I never met before around. Talking to my uncles and listening to stories of their youth, their experiences with my pop...filled me with love and healing, while at the same time opened a wound that is slowly getting back to normal. I was flooded with fabulous memories of my grandma and my pop.
Ugh...I had such a great time with everyone, but boy did I do my share of crying again...death...it really an indescribable experience the loss of a loved one.
Speaking of losses and gains...to top it off...two precious blessings of friends moved from the garden state to venture into uncharted territory to follow their dreams. Much like death, you don't know what you've got til its gone. I actually had a reality check and broke down missing my 2 girlfriends. I was in denial. Here were 2 darling angels who have brought my family love, support, prayers and TONS of laughs...and so many fun random nights. What hit me was they are in other parts of the country...no random night. I wanted a random night. They weren't a car ride away...one of them is even in another time zone! I decided to have my own random night and tagged along with lil bro and his boy lol.
But yea...I concluded that although special people are no longer physically near or with me, they are all off for the good. My pop and grandma are resting in heaven. My friends are pursuing their dreams. Regardless of wherever they are, I will see them again =)
Rest in peace Papa and Grandma...God bless you Gah and Tay =)
What a Monday...
