Ma has been home for 3 days now. These past few days with her have been enlightening. Despite not sleeping, constantly moving, trying to talk nicely and smile at the same time...I see the Lord working.
Its definitely been a miracle to see Ma's progress since she first went into the hospital. Ma's a fighter and determined to get better and with every one's prayers for her, I believe the the Lord is truly moving and working in her. She's open to reading about her condition and determined to get to where she needs to be over time. She has her moments, but God is so good, it doesn't last long. As long as we are all honest with the situation, ALL COMMUNICATIVE of our feelings and help Ma recognize her limits, we should be OK =)
I thank the Lord for the opportunity to give back to my mom. We are all learning to adapt to the situation. Doing what we can to get reacquainted with each other with the new circumstance. I thank the Lord even more for giving Ma the grace to receive the help. She's independent in so many ways and now, with humility and the grace from God, she asks for help when she needs it. I am following from Ma's example and trying to do the same.
I know that this is all temporary and in six months t a year, Ma should be back to herself =) but until then, I pray that we do what we can to get her where she needs to be.
I don't know where I am in the whole process of feelings, but I'm definitely BEAT. I don't know where to put myself sometimes. Its rather overwhelming...taking care of everyone and everything and myself.
I can't help but wonder...will there ever be a quiet time for us? Its like there is always something. Is it an expectation I have that's unreasonable...to just be able to chill and be peaceful and not anxious and stressed out?
Adjusting again. All over again. It seems to be a constant cycle. Who knows...maybe when Ma is all better, might end up pregnant next year lol...then the adjusting happens all over again...
Its definitely been a miracle to see Ma's progress since she first went into the hospital. Ma's a fighter and determined to get better and with every one's prayers for her, I believe the the Lord is truly moving and working in her. She's open to reading about her condition and determined to get to where she needs to be over time. She has her moments, but God is so good, it doesn't last long. As long as we are all honest with the situation, ALL COMMUNICATIVE of our feelings and help Ma recognize her limits, we should be OK =)
I thank the Lord for the opportunity to give back to my mom. We are all learning to adapt to the situation. Doing what we can to get reacquainted with each other with the new circumstance. I thank the Lord even more for giving Ma the grace to receive the help. She's independent in so many ways and now, with humility and the grace from God, she asks for help when she needs it. I am following from Ma's example and trying to do the same.
I know that this is all temporary and in six months t a year, Ma should be back to herself =) but until then, I pray that we do what we can to get her where she needs to be.
I don't know where I am in the whole process of feelings, but I'm definitely BEAT. I don't know where to put myself sometimes. Its rather overwhelming...taking care of everyone and everything and myself.
I can't help but wonder...will there ever be a quiet time for us? Its like there is always something. Is it an expectation I have that's unreasonable...to just be able to chill and be peaceful and not anxious and stressed out?
Adjusting again. All over again. It seems to be a constant cycle. Who knows...maybe when Ma is all better, might end up pregnant next year lol...then the adjusting happens all over again...
"Jesus, You are the the Star that leads me on." St. Therese, The Little Flower Feb. 13, 2009
I thought I had it together...I pray that I'm honest with my self with everything and face myself in transparency. I pray that denial, sadness, despair, depression and anger leave my heart in the name and authority of Jesus Christ. The stress IS taking a toll regardless of how I take care of myself in taking care of everyone and everything.
I want you Jesus to give me strength to bear this cross or at least to think its lighter than what it really is. Please help me refrain from losing it over the minutia of words or actions, or lack there of.
Its not easy Lord. Please remind me that YOU ARE THE BRIGHT MORNING STAR, the light that never goes out. You are My Rock, My Redeemer, My Strength, My All in All.
I want to trust you more. I want to let go and let You in all this. I surrender everything, my life, my marriage, my family, my mom and her healing into your Hands.
I give you Glory and I know that IN YOUR TIME, it will come together, be it here on earth or in heaven when we meet you face to face.
Help me to remain humble, compassionate and true to your word. Let me be honest and handle things the way You would. Help me to choose Life in YOU Sweet Jesus my Lord, my God.
I believe in you Lord and in the Power of the name of Jesus. Thank you Sweet Spirit of God for working through me and all those I know and love.
I thought I had it together...I pray that I'm honest with my self with everything and face myself in transparency. I pray that denial, sadness, despair, depression and anger leave my heart in the name and authority of Jesus Christ. The stress IS taking a toll regardless of how I take care of myself in taking care of everyone and everything.
I want you Jesus to give me strength to bear this cross or at least to think its lighter than what it really is. Please help me refrain from losing it over the minutia of words or actions, or lack there of.
Its not easy Lord. Please remind me that YOU ARE THE BRIGHT MORNING STAR, the light that never goes out. You are My Rock, My Redeemer, My Strength, My All in All.
I want to trust you more. I want to let go and let You in all this. I surrender everything, my life, my marriage, my family, my mom and her healing into your Hands.
I give you Glory and I know that IN YOUR TIME, it will come together, be it here on earth or in heaven when we meet you face to face.
Help me to remain humble, compassionate and true to your word. Let me be honest and handle things the way You would. Help me to choose Life in YOU Sweet Jesus my Lord, my God.
I believe in you Lord and in the Power of the name of Jesus. Thank you Sweet Spirit of God for working through me and all those I know and love.
Again, playing catch up. Seems like the story of my life the last few years.
The holidays were bittersweet...was wonderful having everyone around, especially Stace and Kay. We had a quiet Christmas Eve with just immediate fam, Christmas day with Banana and the Farinas fam. My birthday during the day, STUNK LIKE POOP but the night was so much fun as it ended with a salty meal at Hopkee at 3AM with some of my favorite married couples and 2 single boys lol =)January was nice =) had a nice 32nd bday for Francis while celebrating the night with fellow Jan baby Geoff.
Then the calm before the storm starts. Monday, 2/2/09, Ma starts complaining about heart burn and asks for Tums. She doesn't look so good. TIRED all in her face. She look drained and worried. Tuesday, 2/3/09 Ma complains about heartburn and back pain. RED FLAG WARNING...so I ask her to go to the hospital. Typical filipina, "No anak, I'm OK." I just try not to fight her, but say, ma you sure? I think you should go. Somehow, she wins. Jun knocks on our bedroom door and says, Ma's having chest pains, I'm taking her to the ER and shuts the door. I look at the time. 3:10 AM and my stomach flips out and my heart starts to race. My Papa passed away at 3:03 AM.
I couldn't even react. I tried to catch up to them to go, but I was to late. They were all in the car. I text Jun and said pls text me when you get to the hospital and let me know when she's stable.
I didn't know if I should go to work late, call out...I was so lost. I ended up going to work. I was useless there. I should of called out and went to the hospital. At 10Am I finally get to speak to my mom and she tells me, "Anak, I had a mild heart attack and didn't even know." I was crying all morning to begin with because it hit me that my mom was in the hospital and will more than likely be admitted. But to find out she had a heart attack...
The storm of sorts was definitely brewing...Thursday 2/5/09 ma has her cardiac catherization. Nasty filipina nurse yelling at me for WALKING UP AND DOWN THE HALL rather than sitting in the waiting room. WHATEVER. WHY why WHY does she pull me into the cath lab WHILE THEY ARE DOING MY MOM'S procedure? why doesn't this filipina nurse PUT ME IN THE HALL? ugh. I see my mom on the table and all these wires and red liquid in them...I ask her if I can stand in the hall and she YELLED AT ME AGAIN...No! you hab to estay here bekouz the doctor would like to espeak to you. I was like REALLY? I DONT WANT TO SEE MY MOM LIKE THAT ON THE TABLE! I turn around and see a chair. I asked the other nurse if I can sit there and she said come with me honey and put me in the hallway on a chair. UGH. So they finally finish. My mom is CRYING. The dr asks to speak to me and shows me the recording on my mom's catherization. All I heard was 90-99% occluded, calcification and I RECOMMEND BYPASS. WTF? What? REALLY? shock overwhelmed me. I got a grip and did all I could to reassure my mom. She was a mess.
The next 4 days were some draining days. I've been sleeping, eating and taking vitamins...a few glasses of wine...STILL exhausted. Headache ever day. Monday, 2/9/09Finally got transferred to St Michael's where the surgery was to take place. Ma started having severe chest pains and was moved to a more critical floor. The cardiologist advised me that if necessary, they would conduct the surgery if needed rather than Tuesday. Then my brother and I were asked to leave. THAT SUCKED HAVING TO LEAVE MA ALL ALONE...knowing how scared and nervous she was. I needed Hennessey to help me sleep that night...
Tuesday, 2/10/09 was at the hospital by 6:20AM. Ma was on drugs. Never saw her that calm in my life. EVER! They took her at 6:40AM. Jun and I got something to eat. Prayed in the chapel. Watch TV in the waiting room. One of the surgical team came out to talk to us. She said the surgery was a success and that it was quadruple bypass. Not surprised...I had a feeling it would turn out that way. We had 5 mins to see her. She was knocked out.
Went to see her today. I think this is the most messed up I've been throughout this entire process. It really hurt me to see her in so much pain despite the pain medication she was on. It was so weird to see my mom sleep so much. My mom can't sit still for more than 10 minutes. I felt so helpless. She looked so fragile. She's doing great...but wow.
I'm just praying for strength. I really am so done. I really do give it all to HIM. I'm at the point where I'm knocked down to my knees. I really have no feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment...its just OK LORD. OK. Give me what I need please to get through this. I want to rest. I just want to do what I have to and have some peace. I don't know if that's alot to ask...is it?
I need to come up with a new system to get back up on here!
I thank the Lord that we have been blessed to have prayer warriors at our side throughout it all. If it wasn't for all those prayers storming the heavens, I'm most certain this would be a different entry. I pray that the Lord blesses each person who took the time to pray for ma, her surgery and us.
The holidays were bittersweet...was wonderful having everyone around, especially Stace and Kay. We had a quiet Christmas Eve with just immediate fam, Christmas day with Banana and the Farinas fam. My birthday during the day, STUNK LIKE POOP but the night was so much fun as it ended with a salty meal at Hopkee at 3AM with some of my favorite married couples and 2 single boys lol =)January was nice =) had a nice 32nd bday for Francis while celebrating the night with fellow Jan baby Geoff.
Then the calm before the storm starts. Monday, 2/2/09, Ma starts complaining about heart burn and asks for Tums. She doesn't look so good. TIRED all in her face. She look drained and worried. Tuesday, 2/3/09 Ma complains about heartburn and back pain. RED FLAG WARNING...so I ask her to go to the hospital. Typical filipina, "No anak, I'm OK." I just try not to fight her, but say, ma you sure? I think you should go. Somehow, she wins. Jun knocks on our bedroom door and says, Ma's having chest pains, I'm taking her to the ER and shuts the door. I look at the time. 3:10 AM and my stomach flips out and my heart starts to race. My Papa passed away at 3:03 AM.
I couldn't even react. I tried to catch up to them to go, but I was to late. They were all in the car. I text Jun and said pls text me when you get to the hospital and let me know when she's stable.
I didn't know if I should go to work late, call out...I was so lost. I ended up going to work. I was useless there. I should of called out and went to the hospital. At 10Am I finally get to speak to my mom and she tells me, "Anak, I had a mild heart attack and didn't even know." I was crying all morning to begin with because it hit me that my mom was in the hospital and will more than likely be admitted. But to find out she had a heart attack...
The storm of sorts was definitely brewing...Thursday 2/5/09 ma has her cardiac catherization. Nasty filipina nurse yelling at me for WALKING UP AND DOWN THE HALL rather than sitting in the waiting room. WHATEVER. WHY why WHY does she pull me into the cath lab WHILE THEY ARE DOING MY MOM'S procedure? why doesn't this filipina nurse PUT ME IN THE HALL? ugh. I see my mom on the table and all these wires and red liquid in them...I ask her if I can stand in the hall and she YELLED AT ME AGAIN...No! you hab to estay here bekouz the doctor would like to espeak to you. I was like REALLY? I DONT WANT TO SEE MY MOM LIKE THAT ON THE TABLE! I turn around and see a chair. I asked the other nurse if I can sit there and she said come with me honey and put me in the hallway on a chair. UGH. So they finally finish. My mom is CRYING. The dr asks to speak to me and shows me the recording on my mom's catherization. All I heard was 90-99% occluded, calcification and I RECOMMEND BYPASS. WTF? What? REALLY? shock overwhelmed me. I got a grip and did all I could to reassure my mom. She was a mess.
The next 4 days were some draining days. I've been sleeping, eating and taking vitamins...a few glasses of wine...STILL exhausted. Headache ever day. Monday, 2/9/09Finally got transferred to St Michael's where the surgery was to take place. Ma started having severe chest pains and was moved to a more critical floor. The cardiologist advised me that if necessary, they would conduct the surgery if needed rather than Tuesday. Then my brother and I were asked to leave. THAT SUCKED HAVING TO LEAVE MA ALL ALONE...knowing how scared and nervous she was. I needed Hennessey to help me sleep that night...
Tuesday, 2/10/09 was at the hospital by 6:20AM. Ma was on drugs. Never saw her that calm in my life. EVER! They took her at 6:40AM. Jun and I got something to eat. Prayed in the chapel. Watch TV in the waiting room. One of the surgical team came out to talk to us. She said the surgery was a success and that it was quadruple bypass. Not surprised...I had a feeling it would turn out that way. We had 5 mins to see her. She was knocked out.
Went to see her today. I think this is the most messed up I've been throughout this entire process. It really hurt me to see her in so much pain despite the pain medication she was on. It was so weird to see my mom sleep so much. My mom can't sit still for more than 10 minutes. I felt so helpless. She looked so fragile. She's doing great...but wow.
I'm just praying for strength. I really am so done. I really do give it all to HIM. I'm at the point where I'm knocked down to my knees. I really have no feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment...its just OK LORD. OK. Give me what I need please to get through this. I want to rest. I just want to do what I have to and have some peace. I don't know if that's alot to ask...is it?
I need to come up with a new system to get back up on here!
I thank the Lord that we have been blessed to have prayer warriors at our side throughout it all. If it wasn't for all those prayers storming the heavens, I'm most certain this would be a different entry. I pray that the Lord blesses each person who took the time to pray for ma, her surgery and us.
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