Again, playing catch up. Seems like the story of my life the last few years.
The holidays were bittersweet...was wonderful having everyone around, especially Stace and Kay. We had a quiet Christmas Eve with just immediate fam, Christmas day with Banana and the Farinas fam. My birthday during the day, STUNK LIKE POOP but the night was so much fun as it ended with a salty meal at Hopkee at 3AM with some of my favorite married couples and 2 single boys lol =)January was nice =) had a nice 32nd bday for Francis while celebrating the night with fellow Jan baby Geoff.
Then the calm before the storm starts. Monday, 2/2/09, Ma starts complaining about heart burn and asks for Tums. She doesn't look so good. TIRED all in her face. She look drained and worried. Tuesday, 2/3/09 Ma complains about heartburn and back pain. RED FLAG WARNING...so I ask her to go to the hospital. Typical filipina, "No anak, I'm OK." I just try not to fight her, but say, ma you sure? I think you should go. Somehow, she wins. Jun knocks on our bedroom door and says, Ma's having chest pains, I'm taking her to the ER and shuts the door. I look at the time. 3:10 AM and my stomach flips out and my heart starts to race. My Papa passed away at 3:03 AM.
I couldn't even react. I tried to catch up to them to go, but I was to late. They were all in the car. I text Jun and said pls text me when you get to the hospital and let me know when she's stable.
I didn't know if I should go to work late, call out...I was so lost. I ended up going to work. I was useless there. I should of called out and went to the hospital. At 10Am I finally get to speak to my mom and she tells me, "Anak, I had a mild heart attack and didn't even know." I was crying all morning to begin with because it hit me that my mom was in the hospital and will more than likely be admitted. But to find out she had a heart attack...
The storm of sorts was definitely brewing...Thursday 2/5/09 ma has her cardiac catherization. Nasty filipina nurse yelling at me for WALKING UP AND DOWN THE HALL rather than sitting in the waiting room. WHATEVER. WHY why WHY does she pull me into the cath lab WHILE THEY ARE DOING MY MOM'S procedure? why doesn't this filipina nurse PUT ME IN THE HALL? ugh. I see my mom on the table and all these wires and red liquid in them...I ask her if I can stand in the hall and she YELLED AT ME AGAIN...No! you hab to estay here bekouz the doctor would like to espeak to you. I was like REALLY? I DONT WANT TO SEE MY MOM LIKE THAT ON THE TABLE! I turn around and see a chair. I asked the other nurse if I can sit there and she said come with me honey and put me in the hallway on a chair. UGH. So they finally finish. My mom is CRYING. The dr asks to speak to me and shows me the recording on my mom's catherization. All I heard was 90-99% occluded, calcification and I RECOMMEND BYPASS. WTF? What? REALLY? shock overwhelmed me. I got a grip and did all I could to reassure my mom. She was a mess.
The next 4 days were some draining days. I've been sleeping, eating and taking vitamins...a few glasses of wine...STILL exhausted. Headache ever day. Monday, 2/9/09Finally got transferred to St Michael's where the surgery was to take place. Ma started having severe chest pains and was moved to a more critical floor. The cardiologist advised me that if necessary, they would conduct the surgery if needed rather than Tuesday. Then my brother and I were asked to leave. THAT SUCKED HAVING TO LEAVE MA ALL ALONE...knowing how scared and nervous she was. I needed Hennessey to help me sleep that night...
Tuesday, 2/10/09 was at the hospital by 6:20AM. Ma was on drugs. Never saw her that calm in my life. EVER! They took her at 6:40AM. Jun and I got something to eat. Prayed in the chapel. Watch TV in the waiting room. One of the surgical team came out to talk to us. She said the surgery was a success and that it was quadruple bypass. Not surprised...I had a feeling it would turn out that way. We had 5 mins to see her. She was knocked out.
Went to see her today. I think this is the most messed up I've been throughout this entire process. It really hurt me to see her in so much pain despite the pain medication she was on. It was so weird to see my mom sleep so much. My mom can't sit still for more than 10 minutes. I felt so helpless. She looked so fragile. She's doing great...but wow.
I'm just praying for strength. I really am so done. I really do give it all to HIM. I'm at the point where I'm knocked down to my knees. I really have no feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment...its just OK LORD. OK. Give me what I need please to get through this. I want to rest. I just want to do what I have to and have some peace. I don't know if that's alot to ask...is it?
I need to come up with a new system to get back up on here!
I thank the Lord that we have been blessed to have prayer warriors at our side throughout it all. If it wasn't for all those prayers storming the heavens, I'm most certain this would be a different entry. I pray that the Lord blesses each person who took the time to pray for ma, her surgery and us.
The holidays were bittersweet...was wonderful having everyone around, especially Stace and Kay. We had a quiet Christmas Eve with just immediate fam, Christmas day with Banana and the Farinas fam. My birthday during the day, STUNK LIKE POOP but the night was so much fun as it ended with a salty meal at Hopkee at 3AM with some of my favorite married couples and 2 single boys lol =)January was nice =) had a nice 32nd bday for Francis while celebrating the night with fellow Jan baby Geoff.
Then the calm before the storm starts. Monday, 2/2/09, Ma starts complaining about heart burn and asks for Tums. She doesn't look so good. TIRED all in her face. She look drained and worried. Tuesday, 2/3/09 Ma complains about heartburn and back pain. RED FLAG WARNING...so I ask her to go to the hospital. Typical filipina, "No anak, I'm OK." I just try not to fight her, but say, ma you sure? I think you should go. Somehow, she wins. Jun knocks on our bedroom door and says, Ma's having chest pains, I'm taking her to the ER and shuts the door. I look at the time. 3:10 AM and my stomach flips out and my heart starts to race. My Papa passed away at 3:03 AM.
I couldn't even react. I tried to catch up to them to go, but I was to late. They were all in the car. I text Jun and said pls text me when you get to the hospital and let me know when she's stable.
I didn't know if I should go to work late, call out...I was so lost. I ended up going to work. I was useless there. I should of called out and went to the hospital. At 10Am I finally get to speak to my mom and she tells me, "Anak, I had a mild heart attack and didn't even know." I was crying all morning to begin with because it hit me that my mom was in the hospital and will more than likely be admitted. But to find out she had a heart attack...
The storm of sorts was definitely brewing...Thursday 2/5/09 ma has her cardiac catherization. Nasty filipina nurse yelling at me for WALKING UP AND DOWN THE HALL rather than sitting in the waiting room. WHATEVER. WHY why WHY does she pull me into the cath lab WHILE THEY ARE DOING MY MOM'S procedure? why doesn't this filipina nurse PUT ME IN THE HALL? ugh. I see my mom on the table and all these wires and red liquid in them...I ask her if I can stand in the hall and she YELLED AT ME AGAIN...No! you hab to estay here bekouz the doctor would like to espeak to you. I was like REALLY? I DONT WANT TO SEE MY MOM LIKE THAT ON THE TABLE! I turn around and see a chair. I asked the other nurse if I can sit there and she said come with me honey and put me in the hallway on a chair. UGH. So they finally finish. My mom is CRYING. The dr asks to speak to me and shows me the recording on my mom's catherization. All I heard was 90-99% occluded, calcification and I RECOMMEND BYPASS. WTF? What? REALLY? shock overwhelmed me. I got a grip and did all I could to reassure my mom. She was a mess.
The next 4 days were some draining days. I've been sleeping, eating and taking vitamins...a few glasses of wine...STILL exhausted. Headache ever day. Monday, 2/9/09Finally got transferred to St Michael's where the surgery was to take place. Ma started having severe chest pains and was moved to a more critical floor. The cardiologist advised me that if necessary, they would conduct the surgery if needed rather than Tuesday. Then my brother and I were asked to leave. THAT SUCKED HAVING TO LEAVE MA ALL ALONE...knowing how scared and nervous she was. I needed Hennessey to help me sleep that night...
Tuesday, 2/10/09 was at the hospital by 6:20AM. Ma was on drugs. Never saw her that calm in my life. EVER! They took her at 6:40AM. Jun and I got something to eat. Prayed in the chapel. Watch TV in the waiting room. One of the surgical team came out to talk to us. She said the surgery was a success and that it was quadruple bypass. Not surprised...I had a feeling it would turn out that way. We had 5 mins to see her. She was knocked out.
Went to see her today. I think this is the most messed up I've been throughout this entire process. It really hurt me to see her in so much pain despite the pain medication she was on. It was so weird to see my mom sleep so much. My mom can't sit still for more than 10 minutes. I felt so helpless. She looked so fragile. She's doing great...but wow.
I'm just praying for strength. I really am so done. I really do give it all to HIM. I'm at the point where I'm knocked down to my knees. I really have no feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment...its just OK LORD. OK. Give me what I need please to get through this. I want to rest. I just want to do what I have to and have some peace. I don't know if that's alot to ask...is it?
I need to come up with a new system to get back up on here!
I thank the Lord that we have been blessed to have prayer warriors at our side throughout it all. If it wasn't for all those prayers storming the heavens, I'm most certain this would be a different entry. I pray that the Lord blesses each person who took the time to pray for ma, her surgery and us.
1 Comment:
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- ostacy said...
February 12, 2009 at 12:08 AM<3 you need to rest too, and take care of yourself so that your heart is healthy too. otay ate? otay? sleep well, eat well, and be good to your body. i love you!
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