How tender are you when you realize something about yourself that you've known for so long, however come to the realization that its BIGGER than what you thought it was?
It is amazing how our Lord reveals things to us in the way He does when He does.
I knew I'd use this Lenten season to recover and all those other "r" things...but wow. Its funny...the things we say over and over, like ONLY ME or WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED, especially those things out of sarcasm and cynicism in fact are fruits of deep seeded wounds that we may think we are so over...when in fact we are not.
I must say our Lord really is using this time to help me see myself under a microscope. PS...I noticed this one LONG wrinkle and some little ones around it on my forehead that is becoming prominent...much like some the things He's revealed to me! I need to find the energy to accept it and take me as I am! But I'm so tender and sore and hurt...because it IS a deep hurt. I want to do want I need to do to help the healing move along...
I'm anxious for my new life and to move forward from it. That's the only way I want to move...forward and only tender for HIM.
labels: body and mind and spirit, randomness
..second chances. It never ceases to amaze me how good God is. Once again, HE gave wretched me the honor to fall deeper in love with HIM.
Just when I start to fall short of faith...ever so gingerly, ever so perfectly our Lord just reels me back in. How often and how easily do I fall into the peril of cynicism, indifference and lack of faith. How imperfect and blind am I to that which is grace...often enough I am able to persuade myself into believing what my perceptions of justified are to be when in fact my life is OVERFLOWING and abounding in grace. To think, in my own world, I think I'm barely scrapping the bottom of the barrel but in reality, I couldn't have it any better.
Over the years, so many parts of me died. Some things were that of MY CHOICE as others were not in my scheme of plans. Regardless of the loss, I've been recreated...ever evolving into a newer and improved creation. Our God loves us the way we are, but loves us more that He doesn't leave us as we are- HE makes us stronger, wiser and more humble.
To be reminded of poor choices and to suffer the effects and repercussions is never easy. With unconditional love, mercy and grace...HE just makes it easier. Who does that? Only a loving Father, one who is tender and caring does that. A Father that expresses his hurt, but shows support and helps point out the lesson to be learned.
Abba Father, you amaze me. I am in awe of you; how you welcome me home and celebrate after deserting You... You knock me off my feet when I tell you me how you recognized that I've been with You, doing my best for you and helping me realize I am called to LOVE others who have left You. You listen to my fears, heal my hurts and wipe away my tears...so patiently, so lovingly despite how unreasonable I can be.
My Lord, you've brought me to my knees today. You didn't throw it in my face that YOU are GOD, but lovingly reminded me that You love me despite my past.
Thank YOU Abba Father for the gifts of life and love, Angelina Marie and Joshua Eric. The void I chose to create that of a murderer...YOU fill with healing love and add to it, bless my family and I with 2 angels, 2 intercessors in Paradise with you.
My darling Angelina and Joshua, I see the fruit of your prayers. The love that comes from our heavenly Father is selflessly poured out from you. I'm sorry you were denied your chance to taste your first solid food, to have a birthday party, lose your first tooth or to ask me Why Mama? I denied you both the chance to live on earth. To think...despite never having the chance to do so many things your brothers have gotten to do...you will never ever have to encounter sacrifice, sadness or pain. Instead...what I thought was 2 of the worst choices I'll ever make, Abba Father turned into one of my greatest blessings- my very own angels in heaven. What a mighty God. Thank you my beloved ones. How can I ever repay you for your abounding forgiveness. How I love you both dearly and look forward to our reunion. Until we meet face to face in Paradise.
Thank you Father for the gift of forgiveness of choosing my will over Yours...Only Our God can take something so wretched and make it so precious.
Glory be to God forever and ever...
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